


Giving up

by Mia_tae



Series: MCYT ANGSTY SERIES [1]
Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Dream Team SMP Angst (Video Blogging RPF), Emotional Hurt, England (Country), Feelings Realization, Fluff, Friendship, Heavy Angst, Hope, Hurt, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt Sapnap (Video Blogging RPF), Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Mental Health Issues, Sad Ending, Suicide, Truth
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-13
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-12 17:01:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,408
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29388114
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mia_tae/pseuds/Mia_tae
Summary: Dream wondered,how did in the blink of an eye,three young boys nurturing big dreams became three men straggled with a weight that seemed to push them closer and closer to the ground,and just like that it had swallowed one of them up, feelings and thoughts forever left untold.—/\—TW/ SUICIDE WARNING
Relationships: Clay | Dream & GeorgeNotFound & Sapnap (Video Blogging RPF), Clay | Dream/GeorgeNotFound (Video Blogging RPF)
Series: MCYT ANGSTY SERIES [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2160189
Comments: 9
Kudos: 69





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Heavy TW/ SUICIDE warning.
> 
> This story has more of a realistic approach, so tread with caution.
> 
> Inspired by this song: Giving up by Corbin (I would strongly recommend listening to it, it’s heart wrenching.)
> 
> Socials:  
> TikTok: mia_tae_ao3

Clay could swear he had almost suffocated that day, his body which had always unconsciously functioned had forgotten how to breathe that day, the mechanism completely erased from memory in that time stilling moment.

His knees had gone weak as if they had turned into liquid and he found himself toppling onto the floor of his hallway like a house of cards blown away, limbs hit the floor with a cacophony of loud thuds, his greeting was stuck in his throat which had started swelling up with a painful sob trying to force it’s way out of his lips, but Dream had curled up, body taut, bottling everything up, hanging on by a thread.

That’s how Nick had found him.

Completely paralysed on the cold floor, the cold spreading to his still limbs and settling deep into his tired bones, unfocused eyes wide and glazed over to form such a numb and hollow expression that it almost made Nick question if Clay was even present mentally.

“Clay?” 

Dream had registered the hesitant call of his name from his friends mouth and he had shakily looked up at the nineteen year old who looked at him with great concern and a chilled energy drink in one hand and just like that the paralysing shock wafted away and the acknowledgement of reality came crashing down and the pain washed over him like an unforgiving tsunami.

On the floor, his body wracked through throaty sobs, hands gripping the fabric of his hoodie in a tight fist, as if it would somehow lessen the nauseous spikes stabbing and plunging through him in every direction, his glaring phone laying right beside him and George’s mothers voice trickling through the microphone turning blurry and fuzzy once the thread had snapped.

Those three words still haunted both of them.

“George killed himself.” 

Those three words ricocheted off those cold walls, it continued to bounce off every surface, inside his head, beside his eardrums, it was as if the words were being repeated over and over like a broken radio, even the irritating drip of the leaking tap Dream had promised to fix weeks ago echoing in the dark hallway couldn’t snap both men out of the numbness they felt.

Instead they sat on the floor, silently wallowing as they tried to come to terms with reality, physical pinches here and there as if it would plunge them out of this nightmare, hot tears dripped off clumped eyelashes until the once chill energy drink placed on the floor warmed and formed a puddle of condensation on the floor around it.

They didn’t know how naive they had been, guilt formed and built inside both men as they backtracked through the past events, trying to understand and see where it went wrong, where they were blind and they wondered why did George going silent for two whole days after messaging both of them sincere kind words of praise and gratefulness didn’t register as warning sign for both of them. 

The thought kept looping, they should’ve known, George had always been a suffering in silence type but they were both stupid enough to think somehow magically George would tell them whenever he fell too deep. 

They had thought the years of friendship and recent developments, the late night calls and the the recent indirect words of affection were enough to warrant a safe space to be vulnerable, but they had let this wave of living carelessly wash them away from reality, they hadn’t taken a break to stop. 

It’s like the ride they were on had come to a stop at the very top and it had come crashing down instead of sliding down.

They both knew at one point this ride would slow down and they’d find themselves on the ground again, but not like this.

They didn’t expect to go down in blazing flames

-

They thought it would be daunting to tell the world that George was gone, to tell them their trio was no longer a trio, and they didn’t think it could be a duo either.

Dream thought they would’ve cared more but at some point Dream just wanted it over and done with, this journey he had started, the place he had always planned to be seemed fruitless and dull now.

It had started with him, George and Nick, three young boys aware of what they had wanted, together they had pursued it ambitiously through endless nights of coding and jokes over a slowly growing discord voice chat, now the fulfilling journey that had found success had turned into a nightmare.

They ended up choosing to tweet a link of a page put together hastily by them and George’s parents. It didn’t take long for things to blow out of proportion and yet again another hashtag trending that feigned care for mental health, it’s a bunch of bullshit, Dream thought, an endless cycle that social media followed.

They didn’t bother going online at all after that to see the worlds reaction, their supporters and partners, the world that seemed untouchable without George. The audience and attention they had gained throughout the years, the new reality they had found, the big dream they had nurtured which was found and fulfilled with George, but now without him,, it didn’t seem touchable.

Dream wondered how at the blink of an eye three young boys across an ocean nurturing big dreams had become three men straggled with a weight that seemed to push them closer and closer to the ground, and just like that it had swallowed one of them up.

-

Dream had never thought he’d be staring up at the grey clouds hanging over London without a shorter British man standing right beside him, chattering away about random bullshit, like where would be the best place to eat or hangout, Dream could also imagine turning his head to find a pale George bantering off, because these streets, this place belonged with George, it was never suppose to just them when they first set foot to this place.

He never thought so much of their online group would gather in one place in real life without George there, in the middle of it all, let alone outside a grey and tall church, and all of them decked out in black attires and wilting smiles, some of them meeting each other for the first time and it wasn’t even bitter sweet, it felt like something that had been long awaited had come to an end before it began.

Dream never thought he would meet Georges’ parents and sister like this, polite hands shaking one another and empty smiles being exchanged, he always imagined George would be there to break the awkwardness and somehow pull all of them into a mutual conversation without any of them realising, George was always good at that.

“It’s as dreary as he said.” Nick whispered beside him, a weak smile on his face momentarily which quickly fell off into pressed lips that trembled with the promise of stinging hot tears.

Dream silently watched the grey clouds pass by, sunken in eyes staring blankly at the clouds that started staining with darker greys in a promise of a shower of rain, and Dream thought it seemed appropriate, he didn’t want to cry alone today.

“I thought...” Nick looked over expectantly, given that this was the first time Dream had decided to say something other then courteous and empty yes or no’s since they had landed at Heathrow airport with barely full backpack on their backs, even as they both had pulled on their black suits this morning in their dark hotel suite, there were no words exchanged.

“I thought the first time I would see and feel him would be when I hugged him, not carrying his dead fucking body in a casket to his grave.” Dream laughed emptily to the air, ignoring the flinch from the younger.

Nick didn’t respond, black dress shoe kicking a pebble across the pavement, instead his fatigued eyes lingered on the horizon in front of them, an open trail of nature down the hill that lead to a park and right beside it, hidden behind canopy of tress, a graveyard that was now marked with their footprints.

Nick never thought their footsteps would find their way there on their first ever visit to England and Nick didn’t think it’d be their last time marking their footsteps in the soil of that chilling and solemn graveyard.

“What the fuck did we do so wrong nick?” Liquid pools of green burning with hallows of madness implored at him, deep set beneath furrowed brows and gritted teeth.

Dream continued on, poisonous words spitting onto the cracked pavement below them.

“Weren’t we careful? All three of us knew what we were getting into, we saw many people we looked up falling into bad places and we promised we would lean on each other, but it happened.” Dream croaked, face crunching up in hurt, tears of remorse flooded bloodshot eyes, trembling fingers reaching up to press over the photo pinned across his chest on his black blazer, alike to all the attendees.

“What are we supposed to do now Nick?” Dream hoarsely questioned as he leaned back onto the metal railing behind them.

“What do you mean?” Nick questioned, eyes unable to linger too long on the square photo pinned on Dreams chest, just like his.

“I don’t think I can do YouTube or any of it. Not...not without him.”

Nick didn’t need Dream to explain, he could barely look at his set up since that day, because every time he’d be reminded that the moment he jumped on that chair and opened twitch and discord, he wouldn’t be greeted by Georges voice ever again, he wouldn’t hear familiar inside jokes, he wouldn’t have someone to bicker with. It was just a painful reminder that nothing was ever going to be the same anymore.

“They’ll understand.” Nick replied, voice surprisingly calm regardless of his hurtful expression, watery bloodshot eyes and grim face.

“I don’t know what to do.” Dream whispered, voice small and lost.

Nick glanced over, the six foot three man had never looked so small and vulnerable then in that moment, so with care Nick placed a hand on Dreams shoulder, the cool fabric of dreams black suit crinkling underneath his squeeze.

“We’re going to survive first Clay. We’ll do that first...for George.” Nick breathed shakily, leaning onto the older man himself, Nick hoped that they would be able to pull each other through this, like they always had, even with a spot empty this time round.

Both men didn’t need to exchange anymore words, instead they leaned on each other, sharing each others pain and hoping one day they’d be able to wake up and the world wouldn’t feel so different.


	2. LIST OF SUICIDE HOTLINES

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In case anyone can’t open the page, so I copy and pasted the page here.
> 
> Sending love ❤️

United States:   
Emergency: 911   
Suicide Hotline: (800) 273-8255

More Hotlines In-Person Counseling  
Algeria: Emergency: 34342 and 43 Suicide Hotline: 0021 3983 2000 58   
Argentina: Emergency: 911 Suicide Hotline: (54-11) 4758-2554   
Armenia: Emergency: 911 and 112 Suicide Hotline: (2) 538194   
Australia: Emergency: 000 Suicide Hotline: 131114 More Hotlines In-Person Counseling  
Austria: Emergency:112 Telefonseelsorge 24/7 : 142 Rat auf Draht 24/7 : 147 (youth)  
Bahamas: Emergency: 911 Suicide Hotline: (2) 322-2763  
Bangladesh: Emergency: 999  
Barbados: Emergency:911 Suicide Hotline: Samaritan Barbados (246) 4299999   
Belgium: Emergency: 112 Suicide Hotline: Stichting Zelfmoordlijn 1813  
Bolivia: Emergency: 911 Suicide Hotline: 3911270  
Bosnia & Herzegovina: Suicide Hotline: 080 05 03 05  
Botswana: Emergency: 911 National Lifeline: 3911270  
Brazil: Emergency:188 More Hotlines  
Bulgaria: Emergency: 112 Suicide Hotline: 0035 9249 17 223  
Canada: Emergency: 911 Suicide Hotline: 1 (833) 456 4566 More Hotlines In-Person Counseling  
China: Emergency: 110 Suicide Hotline: 800-810-1117  
Colombia: 24/7 Helpline in Baranquilla: 1(00 57 5) 372 27 27 24/7 Hotline Bogota: (57-1) 323 24 25  
Croatia: Emergency: 112 More Hotlines  
Cyprus: Emergency: 112 Suicide Hotline: 8000 7773  
Czech Republic: Emergency: 112  
Denmark: Emergency: 112 Suicide Hotline:4570201201  
Egypt: Emergency:122 More Hotlines  
Estonia: Emergency: 112 Suicide Hotline: 3726558088 ; in Russian 3726555688  
Finland: Emergency: 112 Suicide Hotline: 010 195 202  
France: Emergency: 112 Suicide number: 0145394000 More Hotlines  
Germany: Emergency: 112 Suicide Hotline: 08001810771 More Hotlines  
Ghana: Emergency: 999 Suicide Hotline: 2332 444 71279  
Greece: Emergency: 1018  
Guyana: Emergency: 999 Suicide Hotline: 223-0001  
Holland: Suicide Hotline: 09000767  
Hong Kong: Emergency: 999 Suicide Hotline: 852 2382 0000  
Hungary: Emergency: Suicide Hotline: 116123  
India: Emergency: Suicide Hotline:8888817666 More Hotlines  
Indonesia: Emergency: 112 Suicide Hotline: 1-800-273-8255 More Hotlines  
Iran: Emergency:110 Suicide Hotline: 1480  
Ireland: Energency number: 112 Suicide Hotline: +4408457909090  
Israel: Emergency: 100 Suicide Hotline:1201 More Hotlines  
Italy: Emergency: 112 Suicide Hotline: 800860022  
Jamaica: Suicide Hotline: 1-888-429-KARE (5273)  
Japan: Emergency: 110 Suicide Hotline: 810352869090  
Jordan: Emergency: 911 Suicide Hotline: 110  
Latvia: Emergency: 113 Suicide Hotline: 371 67222922  
Lebanon: Suicide Hotline: 1564  
Liberia: Suicide Hotline: 6534308  
Luxembourg: Emergency: 112 Suicide Hotline: 352 45 45 45  
Malaysia: Emergency: 999 Suicide Hotline: (06) 2842500 More Hotlines  
Malta: Suicide Hotline: 179  
Mauritius: Emergency: 112 Suicide Hotline: +230 800 93 93  
Mexico: Emergency: 911 Suicide Hotline: 5255102550 More Hotlines  
Netherlands: Emergency: 112 Suicide Hotline: 900 0113 More Hotlines  
New Zealand : Emergency: 111 Suicide Hotline: 1737 More Hotlines In-Person Counseling  
Nigeria: Suicide Hotline: 234 8092106493 More Hotlines  
Norway: Emergency: 112 Suicide Hotline: +4781533300  
Pakistan: Emergency: 115 More Hotlines  
Philippines: Emergency: v911 Suicide Hotline: 028969191 More Hotlines  
Poland: Emergency: 112 Suicide Hotline: 5270000  
Portugal: Emergency: 112& Suicide Hotlines: 21 854 07 40 and 8 96 898 21 50  
Romania: Emergrncy number: 112 Suicide Hotline: 0800 801200 More Hotlines  
Russia: Emergency: 112 Suicide Hotline: 0078202577577  
Saint Vincent and the Grenadines: Suicide Hotline: 9784) 456 1044  
Saudi Arabia: Emergency:112 More Hotlines  
Serbia: Suicide Hotline: (+381) 21-6623-393  
Singapore: Emergrncy number: 999 Suicide Hotline: 1 800 2214444 More Hotlines  
Spain: Emergency: 112 Suicide Hotline: 914590050 More Hotlines  
South Africa: Emergency: 10111 Suicide Hotline: 0514445691 More Hotlines In-Person Counseling  
South Korea: Emergency: 112 Suicide Hotline: (02) 7158600 More Hotlines  
Sri Lanka: Suicide Hotline: 011 057 2222662  
Sudan: Suicide Hotline: (249) 11-555-253  
Sweden: Emergency number: 112 Suicide Hotline: 46317112400 More Hotlines  
Switzerland: Emergency: 112 Suicide Hotline: 143 More Hotlines  
Thailand: Suicide Hotline: (02) 713-6793  
Tonga: Suicide Hotline: 23000  
Trinidad and Tobago: Suicide Hotline: (868) 645 2800  
Turkey: Emergency: 112  
United Arab Emirates: Suicide Hotline: 800 46342 More Hotlines  
United Kingdom: Emergency: 112 Suicide Hotline: 08457909090 More Hotlines In-Person Counseling  
United States: Emergency: 911 Suicide Hotline: (800) 273-8255 More Hotlines In-Person Counseling

**Author's Note:**

> I’d love to hear your thoughts and comments 
> 
> Hope you liked this one shot, i dont tend to do them much tbh. 
> 
> ——————
> 
> Please click this link if you’re going through suicidal thoughts: https://www.opencounseling.com/suicide-hotlines
> 
> Talk to a friend or try to vent to something, whether its a journal or just to yourself.
> 
> You’re not alone, this world is big and it so easily makes us feel lonely, i can tell you that myself, but i can promise you that someone cares. Someone cares enough that life would be different for them, that every morning they would wake up to would be painful 
> 
> I love you, you can reach out to me too/
> 
> Sending so much love to you, who is reading this.


End file.
